Take the C&J Insurrectionist Idiot Quiz—Part X
Sorry for slacking—we haven't done one of these in a while. Same rules as usual: guess which of these are actual recent arrests, pleas, and/or convictions of some of the MAGA hostages cult idiots who took part in the attempted overthrow of the U.S. government on January 6th, and which are not. Good luck…
1. A former Republican candidate who tried (and failed) to be duly elected as mayor of a city in Connecticut last year is sentenced to prison for trying (and failing) to violently steal the election of the guy who duly won his election as president of the United States.
2. A Kentucky man who was raised on an Amish farm is sentenced to nearly three years in prison for pepper-spraying two Capitol Police officers with one hand while waving around a confederate flag with the other.
3. A Florida hairstylist is arrested and charged with swinging a hot 40-pound curling wand against police officers while yelling, “Stop the steal! End the frizzies!”
Continued...
4. The leader of the Maryland chapter of the Proud Boys, who assaulted police with a pole and then hurled—in order—a metal pipe, a bottle, a wooden stick, a black speaker, and an article of clothing before grabbing a policeman's shield and handing it to another rioter, is sentenced to over 5 years in prison.
5. A former U.S. Marine from Queens has two years tacked onto his 4-month insurrection-related sentence for selling fake Covid-19 vaccination cards and false entries into government immunization databases to fellow Marines, exploiting the pandemic for money.
6. A Washington state "sovereign citizen" who posted “Burn the city down. What the British did to DC will be nothing…” before participating in the attempted destruction of democracy is sentenced to 7 years in prison. His wife then creates a money-beg account in which she writes: "We are not extremist, we are your friendly neighbor."
7. An Arkansas member of the Oath Keepers splinter group Toast Keepers is arrested after online sleuths identify him, via surveillance footage, hurling charred slices of white bread at members of Congress as they exit the Capitol through a back hallway.
8. A California "influencer" who claims she interned for two Republican members of Congress is arrested for helping steal a table from the Capitol building and using it to push back police during the riot.
9. An Illinois man dressed in American-flag pants and a baseball cap with the bill turned up, is arrested on multiple charges, including swinging the pole of his "Trump" flag at police and, we dearly hope, wearing American-flag pants and a baseball cap with the bill turned up.
10. A Missouri man is sentenced to nearly 6 years in prison for threatening police officers with a pitchfork, knife, duct tape, and zip-ties, and assaulting them multiple times while resisting arrest.
Answers: All of them really happened except #3 and #7. (But we’re not ruling them out as a future possibility.) Our thanks to Joe Jervis at the Joe.My.God. blog for keeping track of how the idiotest of the idiots—over 1,265 now, all of whom Trump says he’ll pardon as his first official act if he becomes president again—are getting rolled up.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 29, 2024
Note: C&J's designated NSA tracker Bart will be monitoring us for the next 48 hours from inside the Maypole we set up next to the kiddie pool. He politely asks that you don’t bang on it with something large like a monkey wrench. We politely ask that you do. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Workers' Day: 2
Days 'til the Community School’s Strawberry Festival in Roanoke, Virginia: 4
Estimated number of births in the U.S. last year, down 2% from 2022: 3,591,328
Increase in personal income in March: 0.5%
Increase in personal spending: 0.8%
Number of visitors to Maine last year, down 0.6% from the year before: 15.3 million
Average length of stay, up 6.7% from 2022: 5 nights
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bridge over troubled water…
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CHEERS to opening for business. You might not have seen this item on the news Friday. It is, after all, a good news story that reflects well on the Biden administration, so it must be buried, buried, buried…right, New York Times? But The Guardian is on it, so let's give it up for Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg and all the workers at his direction who made this happen ahead of schedule:
The first cargo ship passed through a newly opened deep-water channel in Baltimore after being stuck in the harbor since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed four weeks ago, killing a work crew and halting most maritime traffic through the city’s port.
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The Balsa 94, a bulk carrier sailing under a Panama flag, passed through the new 35ft channel headed for Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada, on Thursday. Two more commercial ships followed later, including a vehicle carrier headed to Panama.
Five vessels that have been stranded for weeks are expected to finally leave Baltimore through the new, temporary channel. Other ships are scheduled to enter the port, which normally processes more cars and farm equipment than any other in the country.
This success story brought to you by Democrats: when you want something done with a decent chance of getting it done right rather than guaranteed 100-percent wrong.
CHEERS to takesie backsies. Wondering what Trump-era policies President Joe Biden has reversed recently? Me, too! Thanks to the miracle of Google, recent headlines provide valuable clues:
↩ Biden administration restores health protections for gay and transgender people
↩ Biden administration to announce expanded Title IX protections while reversing Trump-era guidance
↩ FCC brings back net neutrality, reversing Trump era decision
↩ Biden nixes Trump's short-term so-called "junk insurance" rule
↩ Biden administration finalizes reversal of Trump Endangered Species Act reversal
↩ Biden reinstates stricter offshore safety rules, reversing Trump era policies
↩ Biden reversing Trump labor rule to prevent misuse of 'independent contractor' status
↩ Biden finalizes student-loan borrower protections, reversing Trump efforts
↩ Biden administration changes Trump-era rule, will ban liquefied natural gas on trains
If only Joe could do something about gas in a certain Manhattan courtroom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
JEERS to Nazi Nuptials. With Russian artillery booming in the background, Adolf and Eva got hitched in der Fuhrerbunker 79 years ago today. Instead of a ring, Hitler presented his bride with an Iron Cross, and it pretty much went downhill after that. By the way, the 79th anniversary present for a dead Nazi is 79 more centuries in the deepest circle of Hell. And no fresh lemon wedges to squeeze over their schnitzel.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to exactly the right word. 172 years ago, Roget's Thesaurus was first published. And for that I am truly—[flip flip flip]—“grateful; thankful; affording pleasure or comfort; fulfilled; appreciative; obliged; down with that; sweet on it; fist bump-ready; engorged with the sweet nectar of gratification in a small cabin in Saskatchewan where the only sound is the bugling of the elk.” Just a hunch, but I think Roget might’ve been lonely.
CHEERS to fighting fire with fire. At the direction of the crook who used to be our 45thpresident, the state of Nebraska is eying a scheme to take their divided electoral college districts—one of them is swingy, and Democrats frequently win one EV on election night—and dump them all into a "winner take all" bucket to ensure Trump wins 100% of them in November. But Maine also divides its electoral votes, and Democrats here say they're prepared to toss in our bucket the one that often goes to the Republican candidate…
…effectively negating any advantage Trump would gain under the proposed reform in Nebraska.
"If Nebraska's Republican Governor and Republican-controlled Legislature were to change their electoral system this late in the cycle in order to unfairly award Donald Trump an additional electoral vote, I think the Maine Legislature would be compelled to act in order to restore fairness to our country's electoral system," House Majority Leader Maureen Terry, a Democrat, said in a statement on Friday.
"It is my hope and the hope of my colleagues in Maine that the Nebraska Republican Party decides not to make this desperate and ill-fated attempt to sway the 2024 election."
Democrats in Maine control the state House, Senate, and Governor's office. What happens next in three words: Your move, Nebraska.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 29, 2014
CHEERS to a swift and proportional response. I swear to god, April 2014 may go down in history as Loudmouth Racist Month. Coming mere days on the heels of Cliven Bundy's little "slave your way to happiness and success in the cotton picking sector," L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling got caught telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black friends at his team's games. And there's still 40 hours left in the month. Plenty of time for some other slug to come crawling out of the ooze.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint'y freshness. The new American Women Quarter is here! The new American Women Quarter is here! Yes indeed, the latest in the series of U.S. quarters celebrating accomplished American women was released, and she's a MAGA cultist's nightmare because she wasn’t white and the first thing on her mind in Washington was equality:
The Honorable Patsy Takemoto Mink was the first woman of color to serve in Congress. She fought for gender and racial equality, affordable childcare, and environmental protection. She is best known for championing Title IX, legislation which opened new opportunities to women in education and school sports.
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A third-generation Japanese American, Mink was born and raised on the island of Maui in Hawaii. … Mink served a combined 24 years in Congress, from 1965-1977 and again in 1990-2002. After her death in 2002, Title IX was renamed the Patsy T. Mink Equal Opportunity in Education Act.
Congresswoman Takemoto Mink is the second graduate of the U.S. Mint's Class of '24. C&J will keep you posted on the next honoree ahead of her arrival. It'll give normal people time to learn more about these trailblazing women, and misogynists time to take their heart medication.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool water is likely safe to inhale, University of Maryland School of Pharmacy assistant professor Lauren Hynicka, PharmD, BCPS, tells USA TODAY. You can add a few drops to a diffuser, cotton ball or nasal inhaler.
—USA Today
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